The Better To Dominate You, My Dear: Discovering Dominance with Sir Guy

At the last workshop of day 1 of BDSM Writers Conference, Sir Guy addressed a great topic for writers of BDSM romance. Despite the common presentation of a Dom as a man who has sprung, fully-formed in his kink, wielding his implement of choice with aplomb, the truth of the matter is: He had to start somewhere.

There had to be a “first time” for your Dom. Real, or imaginary, he happened upon that first flogger, first time he looked upon a hank of rope at Home Depot and things begin to tingle (they don’t call it Dom Depot for nothing!). The first occasion on which he gave a woman’s ass a smack and declared: It was good! The very first instant in which he held a woman down during sex and it turned the act up a slew of notches.

When the realization hit, or the curiosity grew, that vanilla guy took the first step into his journey of kinky exploration; got his first idea what it was about him that made him need – more.

And when he begins to learn…

The question for an author is this: Is your Dom already comfortable in his own dominant skin? Aware of his fetishes and happily indulging them? Or has he just had that eureka moment? Or perhaps you have a Dom who gets that itch on page one and your story IS his journey?

While the experienced Dom is oh-so-tempting: The supreme Alpha hero – don’t be afraid to explore a less experienced kind of guy.

Because, as Sir Guy explained, it’s not like you’re taking a milquetoast and morphing him into the superhero of Doms. There will be “a dominant personality at the root of all else”. Your character will have a strong presence. He is calmly confident. He can be assertive (not to be confused with aggressive), though he might also be a quieter type of gent.

Sir Guy used words to describe a Dom’s character like: empathy, confidence. Phrases like a Dom “earns respect from others”, is not “domineering, menacing, a bully”. He doesn’t behave in an “actively hostile manner”. And a Dom can, and will, show emotion.

And he will never say he has “never submitted”. Because in reality, we all submit, no matter how dominant, on some occasions (as my heroine Eden responds to my Dom Hud, when asked:

“You are a kink virgin. Never played. Never submitted, right?” He asked.

“Not unless you count the IRS. They have me on my knees on an annual basis.”

And if he does submit? What a wonderful element to add to your plot! But it will never detract from his core of dominance.

These root qualities are the foundation for his acceptance of his desires. So you have the right clay to mold your Dom, on the page, and let your reader watch him evolve. Essentially, you have an Alpha hero who is seduced by his carnal dark side!

As a believer in the idea that it is characters who drive your story, characters in a kinky romance are like the Indy 500 drivers. The race will be faster and more fraught with dangerous curves, but the victory lap will be supremely satisfying. Because your Dom – beginner or old pro – is in the driver’s seat.

So writers, all you have to do is: Choose Your Dom!

Readers wouldn’t you purely enjoy watching a man discover his carnal self? From that very first dominant touch….

2015 BDSM Writers Conference - Day One: And Away We Go – The Kinky Adventure Begins!

The first moments of a writers’ conference are always great fun. You get that jolt of energy as you are walking in, knowing you’ll be immersed in your chosen world of writing and publishing. And the BDSM Writers Conference offers that along with the special spirit that comes with being part of a vital group of individuals sharing like minds on the subject.

I marched upstairs to the cordoned off section for the event only to encounter two ladies I’d met at the 2013 BDSM Writers Workshop event, which was the perfect kick-off. After getting my goodie bag, badge and all-important wrist band (it was a must to get into the Saturday Powders play party), who should I spot but my dear friend, and editor, F. Leonora Solomon. We were soon joined by agent and publisher extraordinaire, Lori Perkins, of Riverside Avenue Books, and host of the Between the Covers monthly erotica reading series in NYC and we caught up (writing, life, and kinky stuff) before settling in Metro 1 for the rousing opening ceremony where we debated which workshops and panels to go too while the room filled with authors, lifestyle practitioners, and readers who love what we write.

Dr. Charley Ferrer spoke movingly about being the “different” daughter in her family. Now an internationally recognized sex therapist and BDSM advocate, her beginnings as a young girl who had different desires struck a chord in me, and I’d guess every other attendee as well.

When was the first time you wondered?

Living an alternative lifestyle is something not just kinky people attending the Con could identify with. As a romance author, I suffer the periodic slings and arrows of having my genre called “trashy” and belittled by the literary community at large, and society in general. And as an author of BDSM erotic romance, even my own romance community includes many who denigrate my sub-genre as something that’s not real romance, but porn in disguise. To be ostracized by my brethren is disheartening, as we who write erotic romance, and BDSM romance in particular, believe whole-heartedly that our romance is just as valid, and powerful, because of the inclusion of intensely sexual characters, which we weave seamlessly with the emotional relationships as we tell our stories. So while at larger, general conferences I might feel a bit shunned, at the BDSM Con I was in my element, with a marvelous group of folks who understand just how magical the marriage of kink and romance can be.

Long before the public’s eyes were opened wide to the kinky world via the wildfire popularity of Fifty, there were massively talented authors writing BDSM romance, including many lifestylers. These romances kept to the tried and true tropes of romance so beloved by readers, but ingeniously clothed in the psychology, emotions and sexuality of BDSM.

Doms and subs are merely romance heroes and heroines taken to new heights. Sexuality is not merely an adjunct to these romances. In kinky love stories, the sexuality drives both the characters and the romance. Protagonists’ desires are what bind them together (pun intended) while providing the opportunity to portray deep conflicts, which give these novels their carnal heart and soul.

Understanding the dynamics and accurately portraying our characters with intense humanity, coupled with edgy desires, is the whole purpose of the Conference. To ensure we, as authors, deliver the best romances we can write; stories that bring this lifestyle to life in all its edgy realism, within the classic form of a romance novel.

With Dr. Charley’s inspiring words to start us off, we were then treated to a terrific talk by our Keynote speaker, erotica author, and BDSM activist, Cecilia Tan.

Her advice was to be just the first gem of the Conference. So stop by tomorrow, when I talk more about this author’s insight in to the genre of BDSM fiction, and my musings on this marvelous genre and the world of kinky creativity.