The Better To Dominate You, My Dear: Discovering Dominance with Sir Guy

At the last workshop of day 1 of BDSM Writers Conference, Sir Guy addressed a great topic for writers of BDSM romance. Despite the common presentation of a Dom as a man who has sprung, fully-formed in his kink, wielding his implement of choice with aplomb, the truth of the matter is: He had to start somewhere.

There had to be a “first time” for your Dom. Real, or imaginary, he happened upon that first flogger, first time he looked upon a hank of rope at Home Depot and things begin to tingle (they don’t call it Dom Depot for nothing!). The first occasion on which he gave a woman’s ass a smack and declared: It was good! The very first instant in which he held a woman down during sex and it turned the act up a slew of notches.

When the realization hit, or the curiosity grew, that vanilla guy took the first step into his journey of kinky exploration; got his first idea what it was about him that made him need – more.

And when he begins to learn…

The question for an author is this: Is your Dom already comfortable in his own dominant skin? Aware of his fetishes and happily indulging them? Or has he just had that eureka moment? Or perhaps you have a Dom who gets that itch on page one and your story IS his journey?

While the experienced Dom is oh-so-tempting: The supreme Alpha hero – don’t be afraid to explore a less experienced kind of guy.

Because, as Sir Guy explained, it’s not like you’re taking a milquetoast and morphing him into the superhero of Doms. There will be “a dominant personality at the root of all else”. Your character will have a strong presence. He is calmly confident. He can be assertive (not to be confused with aggressive), though he might also be a quieter type of gent.

Sir Guy used words to describe a Dom’s character like: empathy, confidence. Phrases like a Dom “earns respect from others”, is not “domineering, menacing, a bully”. He doesn’t behave in an “actively hostile manner”. And a Dom can, and will, show emotion.

And he will never say he has “never submitted”. Because in reality, we all submit, no matter how dominant, on some occasions (as my heroine Eden responds to my Dom Hud, when asked:

“You are a kink virgin. Never played. Never submitted, right?” He asked.

“Not unless you count the IRS. They have me on my knees on an annual basis.”

And if he does submit? What a wonderful element to add to your plot! But it will never detract from his core of dominance.

These root qualities are the foundation for his acceptance of his desires. So you have the right clay to mold your Dom, on the page, and let your reader watch him evolve. Essentially, you have an Alpha hero who is seduced by his carnal dark side!

As a believer in the idea that it is characters who drive your story, characters in a kinky romance are like the Indy 500 drivers. The race will be faster and more fraught with dangerous curves, but the victory lap will be supremely satisfying. Because your Dom – beginner or old pro – is in the driver’s seat.

So writers, all you have to do is: Choose Your Dom!

Readers wouldn’t you purely enjoy watching a man discover his carnal self? From that very first dominant touch….