THE DEVIL’S IN THE KINKY DETAILS: BDSM Intensive with Dr. Charley Ferrer & Getting Kink Right

Internationally recognized sex expert, BDSM community advocate and Conference Founder, Dr. Charley Ferrer got the conference underway with her information packed intensive. Her drive to educate both the reading and the writing public about the lifestyle is fueled by her desire to make sure the misconceptions, and prejudices, can be avoided by writers who can portray the lifestyle accurately.

To that end, her talk was filled with the nuance and specifics of the BDSM lifestyle. From psychology to terminology, from the many roles participants may play, she urged us to “get it right when writing about kink, be it erotic romance, erotica, or any other form that discusses this subject matter. And this session reiterated for many of us, just how much we still have to learn about the lifestyle and its people.

One of the most important concepts that I took away (along with copious notes) is that it is vital to understand that there is no one type of participant (in real life, nor should there be in our books!).

And for me, that is a glorious treasure for me as an author.

As a former actress, I was not surprised by the revelation that I am a character-driven storyteller. Just as with a role, every performer’s take on that character will be unique. There will be no two Juliets alike. No two actors would be the same as Harry Potter. We’ve seen that several times over with James Bond and the various acting incarnations of that character.

So with my romantic tales populated by kinky characters, each foray into BDSM is driven by those characters. Each has different kinks. Each embraces a different dynamic. Each explores different desires, dreams and fears.

Where one player is a raunchy Dom with a penchant for spanking and nasty BJs, another is a sensuous sadist who loves building the anticipation until his submissive love teeters on the brink of sexual insanity. One loves expensive toys, the other pervertables. One heroine is a feisty gal with a quick comeback, the other a vulnerable soul yearning to belong.

Likewise, my characters each feel differently about their kinky predilections, and you’ll see that characters such as the ones we at the Con write run a gamut of personality types, emotional types, and diverse backgrounds. Each has different expectations to the lifestyle, each has different reactions, and each embraces different aspects. As they say, “your kink may not be my kink, but your kink is OK”. And it’s a concept you’ll see embraced throughout this writing community.

So learning some marvelous specifics about protocols and rituals, about play specifics, roles and types of players; learning that basically anything goes in the safe, sane and consensual world of BDSM allows me, and my fellow authors, the latitude to create special worlds, populated with a vast array of kinky characters to romance, to titillate, and entertain.

Which means that while Dr. Charley’s panoramic presentation was great for authors, it is hella great for readers who love their romance hot and kinky and twisted and filled with awesome characters of every type!

And hey you folks out there who haven’t discovered the joy of BDSM? Come on in! The water’s steamy!

Welcome to the 2015 BDSM Writers Conference - Live from New York City!

The anticipation for the 2015 BDSM Writers Con had been growing as we all kept in touch via a Conference Facebook page, and on August 19, the festivities began with an Author Meet & Greet & Buddy Up cocktail hour at the suite where founder, Dr. Charley Ferrer, held court.

Having attended the 2103 BDSM Writers Workshop (from which Dr. Charley created the inaugural Conference in 2014), I was thrilled to see some old faces, like Rose, and Karla and Jenny of Exquisite Reviews. And finally got to meet in the flesh some of my new soon-to-be-fast friends from the FB group, with whom I’d been corresponding.

We had a few drinks, did a round-robin introduction that included the who’s and what’s of our writing sides, that had us howling and, as the newbies quickly discovered, hilarity was to be the overall mood for the entire Con. That night we kicked it off and ended up laughing like hyenas.

See, that’s the irony of the BDSM Con, where discussions of flogging, knife play, bondage; safe, sane and consensual Sado-masochism and Dominance and submission are the norm – everyone hugs hard, and laughs harder. It’s a wonderfully giving and supportive environment, and above all, crazy enthusiastic about the lifestyle, and the erotic writings that seek to portray it.

Because that was the original impetus for Dr. Charley’s master plan (pun intended). She wanted to offer an opportunity to writers of erotica and erotic romance to get it right. To understand the nuance of BDSM, the play, the protocols and the dynamics. And most importantly the people who live the lifestyle in all their marvelous diversity. Getting it wrong like “that” book, has riled up lots of community members and I, for once, was thrilled to have the chance to learn, as well as to experience some things that allowed me to gain a greater understanding, from a personal perspective.

One of my personal pet peeves is the failure of authors of BDSM erotic romance to get it right, psychology-wise. I want to understand why the characters want what they want and if there’s no understanding, I feel cheated.

By opening it up in 2014 as both a writer and reader event, Dr. Charley allowed interested fans of the genre to experience the real thing, too. To come, and explore and at club nights, play. Hearty volunteers got to be demonstrated on, and a grand time was had by all (or so I’m told – sadly, I am forced to commute to the events and cannot party til all hours!). But even the simplest of experiences can reveal startling details about many facets of BDSM.

Even being told to kneel before someone can illuminate your view of what power exchange can entail!

This first evening was a rousing intro to what was to come. A fact-and-fun-filled three days of immersion into “the Lifestyle” of BDSM. Which included a wonderful vendor shop, and great swag.

So after that first gathering, I arrived the next morning, on Thursday, to see what I could see.

Come back tomorrow for another glimpse into the awesome Conference when I chat about the Opening Ceremony, with Dr. Charley and Keynote Speaker, author and advocate, Cecilia Tan.

Trust me. You will not want to miss it!

Interested in BDSM as a writer or reader? You, too, have a chance to find out for yourself just how intriguing the subject is. BDSM Writers Conference 2016 will be adding a second venue event in addition to the NYC Conference, in Everett, Washington. Check out the site and see for yourselves (just click on the "Golden Flogger" Award badge)! Just remember – bring some dungeon-wear, and leave your inhibitions at home!

The Bliss of BDSM Romance Erotica

You read a book one day that wowed you.

In the past, you’d discovered the romances you liked best were hot. The hotter, the better and you sought them out. Pored over back cover blurbs and flipped through the pages to spot “those” words. You know the ones. The ones that rang your chimes. Some of those books were sensually and romantically erotic. Others? Just down and dirty raunchy romance.

Then one day the book you picked up had some other words. Words like Dominance and submission. Kink. Master/slave. Words like flogger, butt plug, bondage, discipline, paddling, spanking, sadist and masochist.

And your little heart went pit-a-pat, didn’t it?

And something else started up to throb and tingle, too, didn’t it?

‘Fess up.

What you discovered next was that this book wasn’t one of a kind: There were dozens and dozens, nay, hundreds of these kinky romances out there. Not just hot vanilla love scenes. Not just the always titillating ménage romances. No, these books were totally populated with ladies and gentlemen getting their kink on.

So you began to devour them. As you read, however, you began to notice that the quality varied. Sure, there was lots of well-choreographed BDSM action going on. But sometimes it felt like the characters were being put through their paces by an author who just didn’t quite . . . get it?

And those books didn’t have quite the same oomph factor as some others. Those others that really stirred you - where the characters’ psyches and emotions were all woven together. Their kinky desires didn’t spring from nowhere. They weren’t just “playing”. Those dark needs and cravings were all part of the heroes’ and heroines’ personalities. And those needs and cravings caused conflict. Those needs and cravings were part of a journey to an emotional and physical understanding, and acceptance of self. The acts these characters engaged in were not casual. They were part and parcel of the romantic exploration the lovers undertook together as their loving relationships evolved.

These are the books that truly mesmerize me. I want the souls of these characters laid bare for me (along with their bodies). I want to understand, be aroused and seduced, and take the journey with them.

I want to read about their feelings and the physicality of their play. Don’t just tell me he spanked her …. I want to experience her reactions. Not just physically, but how does the act she is indulging in make her feel – emotionally? How does He feel when she kneels in submission? How do the complexities of the lifestyle challenge them, both physically as well as emotionally?

Getting the full picture is what makes a BDSM erotic romance pulse with life for me, as a reader.

And as a writer of BDSM and erotic romances and erotica, I want to be able to give my readers, too, exactly what I crave: Specificity, authenticity, reality.

I have learned a great deal about BDSM over the years, both as a person, and as an author. But it wasn’t until I attended the BDSM for Writers Workshop in 2013, where a small group of authors explored further aspects of BDSM together, that I realized just how much more I needed to know.

So this August’s 2014 BDSM For Writers Conference turned out to be one of the most awesome experiences I could have had, as an author AND as a reader and fan, of this smoking hot genre.

Grandly expanded, it afforded the opportunity to meet so many new people in the lifestyle. In addition to panels and presentations, we visited a local NYC dungeon, Paddles. We watched dozens demonstrations of activities that you can read about, but can’t fully grasp until you see them unfolding right in front of you.

A beautiful young woman being bound and punished by a powerful, dominant man. Hearing her moans. Watching the expressions on her face as he put her through her paces. Seeing her body in all its spanked and bound rosy flush. The memory of these sights, and her sighs, now fuel my own writing.

And that couple who gave a flogging demonstration?

Watching her strip. Watching the focus as the two of them began their scene. Hearing the sounds of the floggers, hearing their whispers. Hearing her shrieks. And then watching her lazy smile as she checked out the marks he’d left on her ass.

And incredibly, watching the pair as they essentially shut out the rest of the people and withdrew into a world where it was just the two of them. Cuddling, stroking, holding one another in the afterglow.

There were tons of other opportunities to chat with authors and lifestyle participants. Good, dirty fun at the “Kinky Confessional” panel. Witnessing a spanking. And the array of implements we got to test out – How can I spank thee? Let me count the kinky ways!

Fire play.

Electric play by a very creative – and funny – Dom and his traveling array of violet wands and kinky accoutrements.

Of course, everywhere there were books with BDSM-themed covers. There were giveaways and raffle baskets filled with naughty toys. There were paddles and floggers that left marks. Nipple clamps and blindfolds for sale. And books, books and more books. By iconic authors like Laura Antoniou and Joey W. Hill and many authors unknown to me (of whom I am now a rabid fan), who were all generous and informative about their books, their writing, and their own personal kink.

And best of all, there were readers galore. Readers who’d come from near and far to celebrate their favorite sub-genre of romance: BDSM erotic love stories.

So I was in heaven for those four days. Surrounded by kinky toys, kinky people and kinky books, I was able to learn a great deal. Experience a few new things, get a more in-depth understanding of the variety that exists in the lifestyle - from the sublime, to the legally precarious moments lifestyle practitioners may encounter. Still, we all laughed so hard it was ironic, given the many chats on sadism and masochism we had!

Dr. Charley Ferrer, author, lifestyle teacher and spokesperson, lecturer and creator of the Conference, provided us all this chance to wallow in the warmth, humanity, humor and insight of the world of BDSM. To network with others of like-minds, and to uncover great new details for our own writing that, I, for one, can attest will ensure I have the knowledge to craft a richer portrait of my kinky characters.

And here’s the best news of all for you readers and authors of BDSM erotic romance and erotica! You, too, can get your kink on, meet some great authors, mingle with some fellow fans, and if you’re feeling adventurous, volunteer to be a subject in a demo!

BDSM Conference for Readers and Writers 2015 is already open for registration! http://bdsmwriterscon.com/

See you there!

Lise Horton is an avid reader of BDSM erotica and erotic romance, and a writer of same. Under her erotica pseudonym Lydia Hill, her short story, “My Master’s Mark” in the 2014 “Slave Girls: Erotic Stories of Submission” anthology edited by DL King, earned Library Journal’s praise in its starred review as “surprisingly poignant”. Her short story, “A Simple Tryst of Fate” will appear in the upcoming Violet Blue edited Cleis Press anthology, “Best Women’s Erotica 2015”. As Lise Horton she writes erotic romance, including Words of Lust (Carina Press, 2013). For more of her kinky creative musings, visit her blog http://blackrosediaries.blogspot.com/

How Do I Love Thee? HOT That's How! Let Me Count the Ways . . .

Despite the popularity of kinky, BDSM erotic romance, replete with whips and chains and paddles and ball gags, it may not be for everyone. Don’t lose sight of the variety available for writers and readers of erotic romance. Here’s an overview of a few of the delicious options:

PRO: BDSM erotic romance, to start with, has the heightened plus of edgy sex play and the power exchange dynamic to augment the emotional relationship. From Master/slave, Dom/sub or Top/Bottom roles for heroes and heroines, to S&M paraphernalia, pain play, erotic humiliation, slave auctions; kink allows for an author to ramp up the sexual heat, tension, exploration and growth in a blended role with the emotional relationship. BDSM can also provide another layer of external conflict for characters who have to deal with societal biases against the lifestyle, and personal conflicts over these darker desires.

PRO: Like the kink but shying away from the heavy-duty stuff? Read a wide spectrum of BDSM erotic romance and you’ll see the breadth of coverage of this type of sexual activity. It can run the gamut from the serious scenes in an Eden Bradley, Roni Lauren, or Maya Banks novel to a tamer version that travels the middle road of kinky copulation.

PRO: Then there is what I call “BDSM light” (not a reference to the derogatory comments made about FSOG, BTW). I think of it as kinder, gentler BDSM. You can have an emotional BDSM relationship with the Dominance and submission emotional and psychological elements without the pain play, or the other edgier aspects like erotic humiliation. You can have mild physical “domination” such as being held down, and sexy mind play. This category allows you the opportunity to Alpha-up your hero (they don’t come more Alpha than a Dom, after all!) or heroine (I don’t write Female/male submission so I tend not to refer to it; but all aspects of BDSM can be F/m, M/f, F/f, M/m or any other permutation your kinky little heart desires.)

CON: BDSM, no matter the intensity or scene play specificity, requires a firm grasp of both the technical logistics, as well as the emotional and psychological mind-set of the participants. The more the reading public knows about the scene, the easier they’ll spot errors in your presentation if you don’t know what you’re talking about, S&M-wise!

But there are options, too, for writing smoldering hot ero-rom wholly outside the BDSM/kink realm. Here are two:

PRO: Ménage and polyamory. Here’s the sub-genre of ero-rom where no holes are barred. Any combination of heroes/heroines goes here. (Granted, you can have BDSM ménage, and it’s an incendiary sub-sub-genre all by itself.) Options abound. You can have a pair who bring in a third friend for a 3-way fling, or you can have a committed triad. Lora Leigh is the queen of multiple partner polyamory with up to 3 men per gal where all the men love the woman and she loves all the dudes. It works great with M/M/F, too, as illustrated by Lauren Dane. Whether your male partners are together first, or come together (pun intended) in a bisexual triad while also loving a woman, or whether it’s the M/F/M variety where there is no gay sexual aspect, it can be a super-intense, dramatic and sexy scenario. For one, you’ve got all those extra body parts to play with (and the object of this physical affection is really getting an overwhelming experience). But additionally this ero-rom choice heaps on the conflict. Society frowns on multiple lovers. There’s no legal “marriage” possibility. And there’s a third (or fourth) personality fraught with jealousy and personal issues in the mix that can ramp up conflict, both internal and external. But it’s the orgiastic couplings that are the real treat in this sub-genre.
CON: It takes a skilled hand to avoid falling into the orgy or gang-bang scenario (unless that’s what you’re going for, of course, you naughty thing!).

CON: Writing multiple-partner ero-rom also requires an in-depth exploration of your characters’ mind-sets to ensure that there is a viable emotional relationship and connection among the parties. Just tossing in an extra set of cojones for the fun of it won’t enhance the romance; which, of course, if the bottom line, regardless of the XXX rating. Make sure all your characters are engaged in the relationship (in and out of the boudoir).

CON: Ménage is NOT about cheating lovers. While your triad may have sex independent of one another in some scenes, they are all aware of the actions and no one is lying to another or cheating on an unsuspecting lover.

PRO: Perhaps the most obvious of erotic romance tropes in what I call “hot vanilla”. This is where erotic romance actually started (as far as my experience is concerned). The hottest of the hot couplings of an M/F couple (which now happily also encompasses the M/M and F/F couples). No dominance, no chains, no taking turns with a third, just two loving people having super-hot sex. It’s the nature of the graphic depiction of the love scenes that pushes the vanilla couple into the erotic romance sphere. Simple, straightforward, but hugely satisfying to the reader who loves the sex scorching, but shies away from the wilder side of lovin’.

PRO: One particular thing that can make a vanilla ero-rom smokin’ is that delectably taboo raunch: Anal sex. You’ll definitely find anal in BDSM and ménage (and obviously even in an erotic vanilla M/M). But inclusion in a hot vanilla allows you, the author, to push that envelope to the breaking point. Back door Betties are your friend! One happy way to include it and use it to cement a vanilla M/F relationship? The vaginal virgin is pretty much an anachronism these days (unless you’re writing historical), but your heroic fella can still be her “first” if she’s an anal virgin. Ass play allows for a wider variety of sexual activity and you can mix it up for hotter and hotter scenes.

PRO: Naturally, the good-old graphic BJ is less prevalent in the borderline sexy romance, but it’s a staple in erotic romance along with its “cunny” cousin. So don’t forget to have some give-and-take 69 action in your hot vanilla tale!

PRO: A couple of other ways to turn up the heat for your vanilla couple? Sex toys, mutual masturbation, phone sex, and fantasies. It’s all about exploration, and pushing those intimacy boundaries.

CON: As with any other variety of erotic romance, writing graphic sex scenes when you don’t feel it, or get squirmy (not in the good way) using all those hot 4-letter words, can be problematic. Using euphemistic language doesn’t fly with ero-rom readers. And they’re savvy when it comes to the sex scenes. Toss in a few because you need the heat but they’re not progressing the story or moving the characters’ relationship? They’ll call you on it. And be cognizant that an EROTIC ROMANCE has that requisite erotic plot line that is woven into the others (whether it’s a single romance plot line, or a story with an additional one, such as a romantic suspense plot line). It’s about the erotic, sexual relationship that grows and evolves alongside the affair of the heart.

Clearly, we have a delightful array of combustible possibilities for crafting erotic romance on the writing menu. Be it schtupping in a galaxy far, far away, fornicating in a gazebo in a country manor in the Regency, or doing the mattress mambo in the Big Apple, your options for writing erotic romance are breathtaking!

Can YOU stand the heat?

One Stop Shopping! Blogging with the authors in "Slave Girls: Erotic Stories of Submission"

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